I feel like whining. Sorry.

[pennie_dreadful]

I am. So tired.

Physically tired. Mentally exhausted. There are only so many ways to block out anxiety before it worms its way around the defenses.

There are things I should do but I am afraid to do them. I am afraid to open my mail for god's sake, afraid to answer the phone. Have not checked my real life email in weeks; creating a dedicated email account several years ago for Livejournal/Dreamwidth/A03/Twitter et al etcetera was either a brilliant move or a stupid one. I have to make myself be a real girl and go the bank and the store and get things done, but all I want to do is go to bed.

The power went out last weekend; it happened while I was doing laundry so I had no clue until I came home from the laundromat (and it was really late, because doing things at night means way less people). Being in the dark, with no electricity, and only a flashlight with dying batteries, a cell phone with a dead battery, and two tea candles is a pretty damn good way to cause my anxiety to go from a steady simmer to exploding everywhere. Some really old, stupid fears resurfaced that I haven't had to deal with since 2008-ish. I was afraid of going into the bathroom, afraid of looking into the mirror, afraid of under the bed--I had to sort of jump into the bed and be in the middle of the mattress with the comforter totally around me, because all the scary things in the world are under there, but they can't get me if I'm under the covers, fuck my life, why. And that set the tone for a shitty week where I am still being overworked and underpaid.

I overcame a bit of my fear and asked the GM about the supposed cake decorating class I am supposedly taking. When she told me about it in December, she made it sound like there is already a class and if I want it I am signed up for it. Can you tell where this is going? There is no class. She said she still wants me to get the training, but she has to find a way for me to get it. Michael's (craft supply store) used to have a class, but they don't anymore. Michael's, fucking what. I told her that I knew one of the local universities had a program that was only six weeks long. Yeah, she knows about that (left unspoken, we don't want to pay that much money). Note to self: nothing good ever happens to you, ever. Treat all instances of random good luck with extreme suspicion.

I lied about having to work during the Superbowl to get out of going to a Superbowl party. My mother could not be any more transparent about the friend of my dad's who is a chef--but he's really young!--and he's a good Christian, and a chef, did we tell you! Oh my god, no, why is she suddenly deciding to be a matchmaker. She already has two married children and grandchildren. Godfuckingdammit, I have got to get out of here.

Comments

[thene]

oh you, HUGS. ;_; I am so sorry you are under all this stress. Wish there was some way you could get a rest from it all.

My sister gets the mailphobia in her low phases too - like, even though she wasn't short on money, she couldn't bear opening her electricity bills and stuff. She just let stuff pile up at her door. She always got me to answer the phone while I lived with her, which just led to me picking up a stress-phobia of telephones too SIGH.

your parents :( Hey, at least you have a ready-made excuse for getting out of terrible parties? Can't help but wonder if she'd start trying to set you up with girls if only she knew.

I know Michaels run Wilton Method cake decorating classes because someone I know was looking into teaching for Wilton at one point - she used to be a chef at a pretty classy restaurant and was sceptical of that kind of (as she put it) 'Suzy Homemaker' stuff, but wanted the $$ and had fun making little fondant flowers.

love you, hope you feel better soon.

[pennie_dreadful]

Oh my god, she would probably have a stroke before she started picking out girlfriends for me, being 100% Evangelical. Oh, and I forgot to mention they're pressuring me to go with them to this new church. She said it's a lot like [the other church we used to go to]; you would like it.You know, the church we helped start, which ended up being a total clusterfuck.

Anxiety is afndjjfhh;; why happening. I am half afraid that this handwashing/germ thing will turn into full blown OCD one day. It's not ritualized, right now it's just a ew dirt/microbes, must be clean/prevent illness thing and not a the world will end if I don't wash my hands three times thing.

I would kind of like this cake decorating thing to happen before my sister's wedding this summer. It would be awesome if I could make her cake along with doing all the rest of the food. I love my sister for knowing I would hate being in the wedding party, and giving me the option of being the caterer instead of a bridesmaid.

[thene]

:( do I need to write you something that isn't horribly depressing? or get you an ice network subscription as a late xmas present?

AGH and I thought you'd said they knew you were agnostic now? le sigh.

I have a few close friends with OCD and it can get disruptive and horrible. so I really hope you can keep a handle on it. ;__;

[pennie_dreadful]

AGHEGJGNFJD NO, I HAVE NOT TOLD THEM ANY TRUE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE I AM A PUSSY, AND I DREAD THE INEVITABLE WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH, AND WANTING TO KNOW WHAT DID WE DO WRONG THAT WILL SURELY ENSUE.

AND DON'T BUY ME ANYTHING. I am holding out hope that even with Megaupload dead and gone, piracy will win out in the end.

I started to read it, but my mind wandered as I was rereading ch2 and I then thought I should wait until I can actually think of constructive things to say before I try reading it, anyway. :((( I'm sorry. :(((

I actually sort of looked to see if there are any kind of clinics or some kind of financial help available; it remains to be seen what kind of help is out there and if I qualify for it. And can make myself keep whatever appointments end up being made.

[thene]

YOUR LIFE. GOSH AND I WONDER WHY YOU ARE UNDER SO MUCH STRESS ALL THE TIME :(

yeah I feel like we've been here before as regards piracy - when napster first went down, then when the RIAA started suing Kazaa users, and piracy always moves on and finds a new way. I COULD STILL TRY TO WRITE SOMETHING CUTE THO. Seriously, don't fuss over reading my whump trainwreck - Gilda and Nakki are giving me enough attention.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, MOST SERIOUSLY - someone I know in Alabama had to go to a Medicare psychiatric ward there once and it was all PRAY AWAY THE DEPRESSION. ;___; but yeah, I love you, I hope you can get the support you need.

[pennie_dreadful]

YES, MY LIFE, IT IS AN EXERCISE IN IRONY, I MEAN WHAT. WHERE DID I EVEN COME FROM, WHY CAN'T I LIKE FOOTBALL LIKE A GOOD AMERICAN, ETC. Incidentally, what led to me coming out to my sister was us talking about all the various ways our parents' brand of Christianity fucked us up.

Write whatever comes to you! I will read all the things eventually, my mind is just so wandery rn, I can't even focus on the vids from Euros properly.

AND HOLY FUCK, THENE, THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING EXACTLY WHAT ONE OF MY FEARS WAS ABOUT ANY TYPE OF FREE PSYCHIATRIC HELP I WOULD FIND AROUND HERE. And here I thought I was just being self defeatest and coming up with reasons not to go! Equal parts lol and horrified, but not really surprised, either. I guess it would be wise to keep being gay to myself, and just try to get meds or something, lest I find myself in some kind of crackpot ex gay therapy.

[thene]

YEAH SHE WROTE ABOUT IT ALL HERE. (not someone I know at all well, just a blogger I read who happens to have suicidal depression and who has twice checked herself into a psych ward because she really thought she might try to kill herself). She seems to have a good regular therapist, so it's not TOTAL suck out there, but oh wow.