Kat

big oof

2024-03-05T22:39:08Z

Long time no post. Despite all efforts DW remains a ghost town.

I figured though, it was worth it to post this little update about The Job (which took 3 years of my life trying to get and I posted about it semi-frequently in 2013-2016): I am moving on. It was great while it lasted but capitalism ruins everything. Panera has become just like every other corp that puts profits over people. They're changing everything that made them special and competitive and making the need for bakers redundant. Everything is frozen now. It takes no skill anymore. Furthermore my role in the company is on thin ice and I'm positive I'll be layed off this year anyway. I've created a solid rep for myself and I know I will always have a place in the company should I want to transfer to cafe management, but my heart was only ever in Bake Ops. So I've got an interview in a few days that I have a really good feeling about, but I'm also feeling weird about the Panera era of my life being over. When I got promoted into my current role, I told my boss that I wanted Panera to be the last company I worked for and I meant it. But since 2017 when the the founder-CEO was forced out and they sold the company, things have just gone downhill. In the next couple of years they'll be baking frozen bread dough like Subway and selling prebaked and prepacked pastries like Starbucks. I'm not sticking around for that.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2019-01-21T23:13:00

2019-01-22T04:24:52Z

Had my followup with my new endocrinologist, and it was the worst case scenario but then he did the opposite of what my old one always did. He said my TSH level is in the "normal" range but it could be better ,so he increased my dose of levothyroxine??? Wow. He did give me a diet plan when I asked for one, and it was kind of the same old stuff, but his main issue is to stop skipping meals (which i am very guilty of), so I did some searching and found some protein bars made with chicken to eat when I'm busy and don't have time to sit down and eat an actual meal.

I'm just amazed he went ahead and upped my dose even though I'm technically "normal" because I have suspected for a long damn time that "low end of the normal range" is not "my" normal, if that makes sense. That was what I kept hearing from my old doctor, hell one time I was actually slightly in the hypo range and she still didn't change my dose. So I'm hopeful that I'm going to see some positive changes soonish (because it takes a few weeks to adjust to new doses of levothyroxine).

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did a thing

2019-01-04T13:02:48Z

Renamed my dreamwidth to pennie_dreadful. I was kat_nic for...a lot of years...but I was kind of bored of it and also it bugged me having this one account with a different name.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2019-01-04T00:30:00

2019-01-04T05:47:19Z

Apparently, I still have ten percent of a thyroid. This is interesting and possibly significant because I was never tested for Hashimoto's (an autoimmune disorder that attacks the thyroid--my cousin has it), only cancer. Considering my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather both had autoimmune disorders, plus my cousin and one of my aunts, I wonder if my new endo suspects I may have had it, and it's still affecting me because of the residual thyroid tissue. That was one of the first things he asked about too, was if I was ever diagnosided with Hashimoto's.

Which, if I'm right and that's what he suspects is happening, then when I see him again to go over the lab results he'll probably want me to have more tests done. Assuming that wasn't part of my labwork this morning. Idk. This is kind of pointless speculation but I'm a worrywort, and wondering how much extra this is going to end up costing me. (It was over $300 for my labwork and ultrasound, after insurance. Smhd and missing my Obamacare so much.)

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pennie_dreadful @ 2018-12-20T15:39:00

2018-12-20T20:47:32Z

Well, that was a revelation. Three years I've been a thyroid patient, this is the first time I was told to wait and hour and a half between taking Synthroid and etating breakfast. He said waiting just an hour I'm only getting about 75% absorption, and that certain types of food stay in the stomach longer and my stomach may not even be totally empty when I wake up. So, I decided to try these changes and see if I have any improvement before trying the combo treatment. Hopefully it workes and I don't have to pay for another prescription.

It just makes me so angry that all this time my old endo kept harping about my weight and not even trying to offer me any solutions or alternatives other than gastric bypass. My new doctor said, yeah you've gained a lot of weight since your thyroid issues started, what is your daily routine, and when I told him he shook his head then told me what I should do different. Literally three years (and I've done a lot of research on my own) and most of the stuff he told me was brand new information. Yay for the American Healthcare System, I guess.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2018-12-20T09:47:00

2018-12-20T15:39:42Z

Success! So, as usual, I got close to the end of my Synthroid prescriptions and started to feel those good good anxiety feelings because I HATE seeing my endocrinologist, because she seems to think her job is to make me lose weight and not, you know, help keep my hormones level (Not to mention I didn't start putting weight on until the stupid thyroidectomy, there is a clear cause and effect, here). At my last appointment she told me she was going to refer me for gastric bypass and I was like...yeah, no...I've taken out enough internal organs and was told it would improve my health (and I mean, yeah i needed the thyroidectomy it was just, trading one set of problems for another :/) but I very much want to keep my small intestines in their current location and continueing to absorb the NUTIENTS IN MY FOOD??? I refuse to believe this is a bad thing.

Sooooo on my hunt for a new endo I found one who seemed promising, I just put off making an apppiontment because that's just what I do, and I was lowkey freaking out bc what if they aren't accepting new patients? What if their next available apppintment isn't until February, and I still have to go back to my old endo to at least get my prescription renewed so I, you know, don't feel miserable and then die?

Welp I finally made myself call this morning, and at first they said they wouldn't be taking new patients until next year, but then they asked me what I would be seeing the doctor for, and when I said hypothyroidism, she said they had an opening for 2 o'clock today??? And I was like, but i haven't done labs? :( and they said that I didn't need labs for my first appointment, it was just to talk about my health problems and establish a relationship with the doctor, and I tell you, I almost started crying on the phone, I'm almost crying now, because, will this doctor actually LISTEN TO ME? Will he be willing to try putting me on T4/T3 combo treatment, instead of just T4? Even when my TSH was normal, I still never felt like I did before all this started. I understand it's controversial, and I understand why it's controversial as well as a lay person can, but I want to try it. I'm willing to try anything to get out of this brainfog and fatigue.

It even occurs to me, that the last time I wrote anything was right after my surgery, and that was for the LHM fic fest three years ago. It just. Is so fucking frustrating having a doctor say, your lab results say you're fine, and still feel like shit. To have days where I can't focus on anything, even reading fic or scrolling Tumblr. It sucks.

Well. Maybe I'll try to get a nap in before my appointment, lol I still have work tonight. File this under both perks and drawbacks of having a night job.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2018-12-18T00:24:00

2018-12-18T05:48:00Z

I was going through my photos backed up on google and found all the pictures and videos I made when I was living with The Literal Worst Housemate last summer. I won't ever put them up anywhere, I mostly made them as just...proof that I wasn't exagerating how bad it was or imagining it. And just remembering how bad things were last summer in general, compared to now? I'm finally in a pretty good place.

For context, Worst Housemate was a paranoid schizophrenic who stopped taking her psych drugs, went completely off the rails, had random outbursts of anger, was generally just destructive and I basically had to hide everything of mine that was valuable, as well as the knives. I honestly tried to deal with it, but after I tried talking to her about seeing a doctor, she got mad at me and I became one of her "enemies", so she had to go. I lost 30 pounds from sheer stress.

Soooool yeah lol my life has improved a lot since then. If it wasn't for credit card bills and my student loan I could probably live comfortably by myself, but at least I have better housemates and make better money, and will be making even better money once my trainee gets certified and I get certified as a trainer. It took until my early thirties but life is finally...ok.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2018-12-17T06:12:00

2018-12-17T12:12:21Z

Having a housemate who used to have money but no longer does is...occassionally...mind asplodey. For the most part he's fine, he's not, like, overtly snobbish, and he's always had jobs and knows how to do housework and cook and stuff--he does most of the cooking and more than his fair share of cleaning, but he just got hired as a store manager and figures they'll offer him at least $18 an hour, if not what the old manager made which was $22, did the math in his head and said that's only $40 grand a year, who can live on that? he used to make that in a month, and all I could do was look at him funny and tell him that yeah, if he's dead set on buying another Jaguar and a huge house filled with designer furniture, 40 grand ain't a lot, but I do well enough for myself on $22,000, driving a Kia and living in a modest apartment. Sooooo. It's...he's not a bad person, and generally he's a likeable guy, but he has no baseline for what it's like to be not rich, despite the fact that he's not anymore. And sometimes he forgets I've never had money, and I forget he's not always been poor, and I want to smack him, sometimes.

Like a few weeks ago, he asked me why I didn't have a Cuisinart or a Kitchenaide since I went to culinary school. Like??? The fuck does me having gone to culinary school have to do with what type of kitchen appliances I do or do not own? They cost like $400? How the fuck am I gonna justify spending that much on something nonessential?

*grumbling*$40k isn't a lot of money, buddy do you know what I could do with $40k a year? Kick out all you housemates for starters...

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pennie_dreadful @ 2018-12-16T12:43:00

2018-12-16T17:47:58Z

I made myself sad looking at old dw posts, and found a picture of my poor old kitty Toby. It's been about three years since he passed, and I still miss him.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2018-12-10T06:29:00

2018-12-10T11:47:16Z

Yahoo mail: you haven't checked your inbox in a while!!

No...you haven't been sending me notifs wth. I know, I know, the problem is I still use Yahoo mail. I've had it for ten years and it's only for fandom/social media stuff. But I missed quite a few notifications, including a few new people adding me. Hi! I'm sorry I'm bad at maintaining my Dreamwidth blog. I'm trying to do better. I mean, I say that periodically and then...I don't. But anyway, don't be shy. I'll try to make more of an effort to be around more, we'll see how that goes.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2017-12-18T06:44:00

2017-12-18T12:54:00Z

uh,,,I'm not dead or anything.

SO, in no particular order,

*I still have The Job. Still like The Job, mostly
*I got a new(ish) car
*moved back into my old apartment
*have 2 new cats and a dog by proxy (roommate's pets)
*bought myself a new laptop? it's a tiny little thing that's mostly useless except for writing/streaming stuff, which is all I use it for anyway.

iffen anybody who still follows me is on Tumblr I am pennie-dreadful 'round those parts.

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AHAHAHAHAHA

2016-10-16T06:30:39Z

does kat ever have good luck

the answer to that question is a solid "sometimes it is admittedly less bad than usual"

guess what

this is not one of those times.

R.I.P my car :( the frame just like...exploded while i was driving at fucking 75 mph on the interstate. I thought a tire blew out but when I pulled over to assess the damage, the whole rear driver's side was just busted. Pieces of the rear driver's side door are gone. You can see right inside to the rear axle.

Like. This car is only 11 years old. No accidents. What could even cause the frame to just go kablewy like that?

Oh yeah and yesterday I decided to move back in with my parents because I (already) have too many fucking bills, and I have had no luck finding a roommate. And this morning I tried to donate plasma, which I do on the reg because hey, tax free income, but my veins, which were already doing not great, were like nope, not having it. In either arm. And now the fucking car blows up. No money, no car, and two new bills showed up this week and one of them was not a prospective car payment.

I don't even know anymore. I really fucking don't.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2016-09-05T18:52:00

2016-09-05T23:33:26Z

So one of the things I was worried about when I started The Job was that maybe it would actually be horrible, maybe I've spent so motherfucking long trying to get it and idealizing it that it can't possibly have been worth all this effort.

Well.

Is it the greatest job I've ever had? No. (That was the job at the beach resort, which I was laid off from in 2008. Fucking republicans and their fail economic policies.) But I give it a solid Second Best.

The greatest part though, is the limited amount of human interaction I have to deal with. Come in, do the work, get the fuck out.

But fuck my brain, because I experience low grade anxiety almost every time I go to work, and it's bullshit because I have literally nothing work related to be anxious about. My trainer told me from day one that some of the pastries I made looked better than his. But the feeling of inadequacy remains. I guess just the fact that there is so much new information to absorb, even if none of it is really difficult, kind of overwhelmed me a little. I've done baking before but it was nothing close to volume of work at this place. And I guess coming from my other job, where I was kind of...a bnf? Not amongst the managers of course, but by the time I finally quit I was the oldest employee; almost everyone else had been there less than a year, so if there was something somebody didn't know, "idk ask Kat" was kind of the default response. Which, being anxious about my job now is so much more dumb now that I think about it, because I had waaaaaay more stuff to learn at my last job just to do prep, and I was actually crosstrained to work on the line, too, so wth. And my trainer has told me repeatedly that I'm doing very well. So idk I think I just wish I could fast forward to "expert" but that's not how it works, brain.

Stupid fucking brain.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2016-08-03T00:55:00

2016-08-03T06:27:19Z

I always say to myself every few months, I am going to start posting more. I am going to fucking log onto my Goodreads and Librarything and Dreamwidth and start interacting with some goddamn human beings. lol

SO! In no particular order:

*Kitten! I'm at work right now so I can't post any pics, but he is all black, with yellow-green eyes (green around pupil, with a circle of yellow surrounding the green). His name officially is Sammy but I pretty much always call him Little Man. He was abandoned in the park when he was itty bitty, like had only just learned to walk little. So even though I told myself I wasn't getting another cat, yeah, right, this is me. Idk how or why I always end up with 3 cats when I swear this time I'm sticking with just 2 but hey.

*Work! This May I finally got hired by the place I've been trying to get a job at for 3 1/2 damn years, but, not the position I wanted (overnight baker). For some reason the bakers are interviewed and hired by Big Corporate Bossdude. Like, the bakery is literally a whole separate operation from the rest of the cafe. Well I made damn sure that every manager in this place knew I wanted to be a baker, if there was ever an opening. Well guess what??? This is my...fifth night? Wow, yeah, it's been five days. And I LOVE IT. My trainer is awesome, the work is awesome, THE PAY IS AWESOME. More than what minimum wage is supposed to be awesome. An actual fucking living wage, what a novelty.

*My car started acting up the day I started baking, lolol this is just my luck. The word "alternator" was floated around, and I'm just like. fuck. I literally cannot catch a break ever. But, it was just some fan cooler thing and spark plugs that needed replacing. Aside from the fact that I would rather not have to pay another fucking bill, I am very attached to my car. I love my car. She's a Saturn Ion and she's eleven years old, she's missing a hubcap and the other 3 are scuffed up, has a dent in the front fender (not put there by me tyvm), a cracked windshield, and needs a new paint job, but idgaf. I love this car. I will cry the day this car dies for real. And fucking GM killed the brand, the stupid fuckwits, so I don't even know what car I will hypothetically buy next.

Uh, guess that's it for now?

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LOL MY STATE

2016-05-04T13:29:38Z

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If you ever find out you need a thyroidectomy, or any other type of surgery for that matter...

2016-04-20T00:01:25Z

So here it is, almost a year later that I'm finally posting about this. I'm doing this for others who find out they have thyroid problems similar to mine, or for people who have found out they need to have surgery for the first time, and take to google to find out more about it. Because that's what I did, and a lot of what I found...was not reassuring. People tend to only post their horror stories, and okay, my situation was not one hundred percent smooth sailing. But like a lot of things, the anticipation is worse than the actual thing we're scared of. Keep in mind this is my personal experience, everyone's body is different, etcetera etcetera.

( text )

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Black cat in a dark room...this rarely ends well,

2016-04-18T14:49:16Z

but occassionally with semi-funny results.

I came home from the doctor, unloaded the meds and paperwork before I turned on the light, and when I did, this is the sight that greeted me. She still has not moved even after I took the picture, uploaded it to Photobucket, and posted this. It's almost like idk she thinks she's in charge around here or something. (Don't tell her she actually is.)

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pennie_dreadful @ 2016-04-17T22:50:00

2016-04-18T02:59:19Z

Welp I'm almost a year into having no thyroid, and one thing everyone forgot to mention about being a thyroid patient is you can't take the good cold medicine. :(

Of course it didn't occur to me to check this info until I had already bought some Sudafed. But, the upshot of this is that as I was googling "sudafed thyroid medicine interactions" I found this blog which color me intrigued. It's been, um, an embarrassingly long time since I've read something that was not fanfiction, woops.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2016-04-10T20:35:00

2016-04-11T01:14:33Z

So, after three years and three interviews, I finally managed to get The Job. It's funny, the last year or so I've had several interviews at other places, but no offers. And now I've had two job offers in the same week. I was planning to take both jobs if I could, because downside, (you knew there was one, this is me after all) The Job can't promise me I'll be full time. Which, hey, at least they're being up front about it. But Alternate Job said they would not work around another schedule. They had good benefits, but the pay was meh. It's a nursing home with like fifty residents, soooo not the most fun or challenging job. Although, that interviewer asked the best questions. Ten years in the restaurant biz, and however many interviews I've had, this was literally THE FIRST TIME someone's quizzed me on weights and measures. Which, yeah, fuck naming the mother sauces, because knowing the difference between bechamel and veloute is pretty useless if you don't know how many cups are in a quart. And I have worked with/trained people like that (and that right there is one reason why I believe culinary school is the most useless thing ever).

I decided to keep Job A in the meantime. Do I still hate that place? Idk, maybe marginally less than I used to? But Job B is a wing joint. I am glad that I had it because I needed the money, but goooood do I hate that it's part of my resume now. /food snob Because I am a terrible, awful person, it was quite gratifying when one of the managers just about begged me to stay. But when I told him where I was going, he was like, yeah, we really can't compete with that. Sorry dude.

ALSO OZ IS SICK :( The vet said he may need surgery depending on what the test results show :((( It may be crystals in his urine or kidney stones, and there is a slim possibility that the problem may be fixed by putting him on a special diet.

And, my knees really hurt again. And, now there is random ankle pain?! STANDING ON CONCRETE FLOORS FOR HOURS ON END IN $20 SHOES HAHAHA

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i am special

2016-01-13T01:13:14Z

Yesterday at Job B I managed to cut myself three times in a thirty minute period. Courtesy of my bosses who had our knives professionally sharpened. I'm pretty sure these knives weren't this sharp when they were new.

I am definitely quitting Job A in March. Aflac open enrollment starts then and I want to make some changes to my policies. Once they take effect I'm giving my two weeks'.

It kind of makes me sad to think about leaving this place, just because I've been here so long and I got this job at a time when I really desperately needed one, but my loyalty has been stretched thin by all the bullshit the KM and food and beverage director* have put me through, not to mention the demoralizingly low pay--nine freaking dollars an hour. After three years of never being late, never calling out, going above and beyond what my job requires of me including staying at work off the clock to clean and organize the kitchen. Three years and I am currently the one who has worked here the longest. Everyone else has been here less than a year. I want to hit all the managers on the head with the clue bat and yell maybe it's YOU. Several people have said they will quit when I do, lol. Being appreciated by everyone but my supers: lol.

Compare that to Job B where one day the KM told me he was glad I was a competant human being. They also trust me to know what the fuck I'm doing and let me do it. So, okay Job B is slightly less...glamorous. It's a wing joint. But the pay is better and I have opportunities for advancement. It'll have to do until I finally get The Job.

*So, the F&B Director is one of those assholes who think he's god's gift to [whatever]. He likes to show off his ~superior knowledge~ and also to try and trap people. Ex., he added cheesecake to the menu last spring. He was showing me the recipe, and asked me if I knew how to use a spring form pan. I said I did. He asked me which side of the bottom piece is supposed to face up (thinking I was bullshitting him? Idk). I showed him. And then I watched him struggle to put the pan together. And then ninety minutes later when we checked it, it was still raw because he forgot to turn the oven on. This motherfucker.

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life, etc.

2015-10-07T20:42:48Z

officially no longer a 20 something. Kind of weird but kind of not.

What's really weird is going from job 1, which I have been at for three years and I therefore know everything to do with this restaurant, to job 2, where I'm a noob. Weird headspace, let me tell you. Benefits to job 2: so far, the managers all seem okay. They all seem to appreciate me which should not be a novelty but nevertheless is. But let me be real, this is a place that serves hot wings and burgers. There is not even a saute station. This is not what I went to culinary school to do. But, for now, this is what I'm having to do to get ahead.

Job 1, on the other hand, the managers are mostly assholes, but when people find out that's where I work, they are delighted. It's a place I'm honestly proud to say I work at. Why can't they just pay me more* :(

So anyway, I went and applied for The Job again. This is what, the third time this year? and looking back, November/December was when I was called in for interviews. So. Maybe this is the year it happens. Fingers crossed.

*I know why, because they are stupid and incompetent and spend money on stupid shit we don't need. They just bought an $800 Kitchenaide mixer. for the sole purpose of making compound butter. I said to the kitchen manager, why did you buy that expensive mixer. The kitchen manager said they didn't want to buy the $200 one because it would probably break. I was like, but, you don't need to invest any money in this at all. It's. Just. Butter. If you really want it to be whipped then go to Walmart and buy a hand mixer for $6. He said that the food and beverage director wants to do pound cake at some point. Okay. That still doesn't require you to spend $800 or $200 or any dollars at all. Do you know how cheap it is to make pound cake? Do you realize how long it would probably take to get a return on that investment? And that's if they end up putting pound cake on the menu. Jesus, these stupid assholes.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2015-08-21T05:00:00

2015-08-21T09:14:55Z

One of the side benefits of being hypothyroid: I get super sleepy (and actually go to sleep and stay asleep) stupidly early (I'm talking 8:30 pm here) which is ridulous since I was operating on a full night's sleep and did nothing more strenous than write ~2600 words, BUT, unless I did something to really wear myself out, I wake up super stupid early, too.

Goodbye insomnia?! Haha maybe I'll be able to write some more before going to work?! Thank you 21_days for jumpstarting my muse ;___;

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pennie_dreadful @ 2015-08-17T17:42:00

2015-08-17T22:05:13Z

Sometime soon I need to post a recap of my post-surgical medical/non medical drama, because everything that could go wrong, did. My cat dying in the middle of it was just the turd cherry on top of the shit cake.

But anyway I like my endocrinologist. He is the first doctor I've been to to be appropriately amazed at my weight loss, and that I did it 100% on my own with no supplements, appetite suppressants or surgery, and with a wonky thyroid, no less.

Life without a thyroid has been mostly similar to life with a thyroid. I was pretty sure I needed a higher dose of hormone, which was confirmed today. I have been sleeping way more than usual, and I've gained some weight, ugh. Hopefully I can get that back under control but other than that, it's business as usual.

I found a second job, starts in September. It's a startup so I'm definitely keeping current job. I would in any case because one job is just not enough. I tried again to get The Job but so far I've heard nothing back :(

On that note, I made some KILLER paleo eggplant parmesan, that I roasted the eggplant slices with salt, garlic powder, Italian seasoning and parmesan, instead of breading and frying them. I like it better than regular eggplant parm, tbh.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2015-07-02T10:39:00

2015-07-02T14:51:22Z

Toby passed away Tuesday, June 30. He was a good companion, and he didn't deserve to suffer the way he did. He started deteriorating right before my surgery, and it was only until this week I felt strong enough to deal with letting him go. My sister drove me to the vet, and they euthanized him. We buried him in my dad's garden, not far from where he was born, actually. I'm really going to miss him, especially since he was the most vocal of all my cats. It's already so much quieter.

The stupidest thing of getting used to him being gone is the way he would always follow me into the bathroom. I had to call him and make sure he knew I was going in there, otherwise he would scratch the door. He would jump on top of the litter box and expect me to scratch under his chin, every. single. time. Weirdo. He was also the only cat who had no problem waking me up when it was time for breakfast. Oz and Mica wait for me to get up, but Toby scratched on my door frame and meowed at me until I got up.

I had this cat for nine, almost ten years. I knew it would be hard, but damn do I want to start crying when I go in the kitchen and see two food bowls instead of three.

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pennie_dreadful @ 2015-06-27T10:18:00

2015-06-27T14:18:45Z

Everyone seems to be forgetting that the Supreme Court upheld the ACA as well as marriage equality. Thanks b/c I was genuinely worried now that I have a lifelong medical condition which requires routine labwork and medication.

Surgery itself was successful. I am sans goiter, can breathe normally and the incision is healing beautifully. I shouldn't have a bad scar at all.

Other than that I feel like microwaved crap and have been assured by the thyroidless ppl on the internet that this state of affairs will continue for the next couple of weeks until my body adjusts to its altered state. Still waiting to see an endocrinologist :/ and my follow up with my ENT was moved up to Monday because of me needing to go to the ER the day after I was discharged; my calcium levels got too low and you have no idea how sick that can make you :(

Seriously, this sucks.

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