Kat (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pennie_dreadful) wrote2012-02-22 04:09 pm
pennie_dreadful) wrote2012-02-22 04:09 pm
Entry tags:
my life, let me tell you about it
So the anxiety thing has been fucking awesome lately. Most of yesterday afternoon was spent alternately panicking and distracting myself (with limited success) on the internet. How the hell I managed to write just over 1000 words over the weekend, I don't know. I guess thene is just that special.
But it's all good now. (what happened was, I was starting to do kind of okay again, and then I got a letter from the KHEAA stating that my student loans were in default, and I was seriously freaked the fuck out over it, because my loans are supposed to be in forbearance or deferment or whatever the hell. And it took all I had to actually call the loan company and get that situation straightened out back in December, so the fact that I suddenly had this huge fucking problem of defaulting on a federal student loan, combined with the fact that I had to call the KHEAA and find out what happened and how do I fix it, yeah, I was a wreck from Thursday until today, when I finally decided to woman up and call the fuckers, before they started garnishing my wages or some shit.)
SO. Things are squared away financially so I have some breathing room. I need to woman up again and go to the welfare office and see if I qualify for Medicaid now (answer: probably). It would be nice to see a doctor and get this shit under control, because it's doing nothing but getting worse, and...there have been a few moments where I actually fantasized about how awesome it would be if I never had to leave my house. And I even thought about moving back in with my parents because it just seemed easier to live there and let them take care of things for me. Which, fucking lol, because 2010 was one of the shittiest years on record (although nothing beats the fall/winter of 2008, which was when I made that misfated decision to go to culinary school) precisely because I was living with them.
And I really hate having panic attacks, people, they suck. And what makes them worse is when they happen over stupid things. I can't even say I want my life back, because I don't ever remember a time when I was anxiety free, even as a kid. I guess that's why it took so long for me to even realize this is a problem. Because this is my normal. Fuck my brain and its fucked up chemistry.
thene is just that special.But it's all good now. (what happened was, I was starting to do kind of okay again, and then I got a letter from the KHEAA stating that my student loans were in default, and I was seriously freaked the fuck out over it, because my loans are supposed to be in forbearance or deferment or whatever the hell. And it took all I had to actually call the loan company and get that situation straightened out back in December, so the fact that I suddenly had this huge fucking problem of defaulting on a federal student loan, combined with the fact that I had to call the KHEAA and find out what happened and how do I fix it, yeah, I was a wreck from Thursday until today, when I finally decided to woman up and call the fuckers, before they started garnishing my wages or some shit.)
SO. Things are squared away financially so I have some breathing room. I need to woman up again and go to the welfare office and see if I qualify for Medicaid now (answer: probably). It would be nice to see a doctor and get this shit under control, because it's doing nothing but getting worse, and...there have been a few moments where I actually fantasized about how awesome it would be if I never had to leave my house. And I even thought about moving back in with my parents because it just seemed easier to live there and let them take care of things for me. Which, fucking lol, because 2010 was one of the shittiest years on record (although nothing beats the fall/winter of 2008, which was when I made that misfated decision to go to culinary school) precisely because I was living with them.
And I really hate having panic attacks, people, they suck. And what makes them worse is when they happen over stupid things. I can't even say I want my life back, because I don't ever remember a time when I was anxiety free, even as a kid. I guess that's why it took so long for me to even realize this is a problem. Because this is my normal. Fuck my brain and its fucked up chemistry.